There is nothing more exciting than a good ol’ pissing contest, and Chattanooga has a lot of liquid in its bladders for this latest one. By the time you read this, Chattanooga (population 170,000) has most likely defeated the insignificant (but beautiful, yes) mountain town of Boone, North Carolina (population 17,000). The contest from Outside magazine allows citizens to vote for the completely arbitrary and subjective title of Best Town 2015. The focus is, of course, on the outdoors. Each of these towns must have “access to trails and public lands, thriving restaurants and neighborhoods … [and] a good beer scene.” Chattanooga has all of this and more. Eventually, we will move to the final four, and the winner will be announced June 5. We should win the contest. And if we do, life will change forever.
Click here to view the contest and vote.
So what happens after we win? How will our lives change? Is war necessary?
It is my belief (and town officials agree across the board) that winning this contest will have a much profounder impact on our city than we can possibly imagine. Other cities will be forced to recognize Chattanooga’s power or face the consequences.
Planning has already begun. Here are five things that will happen when we win.
The first days
It feels good to win. Stretch your legs and pat yourself and your wives on the back. Let’s bask in glory for a few months while the other towns crumble like Persepolis into history. Take a deep breath and smell the sunshine. There is no need to taunt or boast the fallen; there is no need to thump our chests like gorillas or stick out our tongues like schoolchildren. Mockery is below us now because we have become gods. We have been given the gift of power. We will be patient and form a committee of city leaders who will formulate a systematic plan for invasion. As we begin our seizure of other cities, we must recall the words of the great Winston Churchill, “The price of greatness is responsibility.” Our time is now, Chattanooga. Let us take what we deserve.
There are only two choices you can make when a city decides to go to war against another city, and each has consequences. As a resident and citizen of the new Chattanooga, you must decide if you are loyal to the committee or if you are treacherous. Citizens will be given an opportunity to make a choice to stay and fight or be banished outside the boundaries of the city forever. The 10-year conquest that begins in 2016 will seek to absorb (through force or surrender) a surrounding radius of 150 miles. If you are a dissenter, the committee encourages you to make a new life outside that territory. There will be no tolerance for treason once the conquest begins.
You’ve most likely heard rumblings from various news outlets (including this one) about the proposed defensive wall that would surround the heart of the city in the event of a victory. I suppose you’ve also decided whether you are keen on the idea. Unfortunately for you, we no longer live in a time of discussion. The committee has granted permission for construction to begin on the wall immediately following the announcement of our win. Urgency is key, as surrounding cities are, no doubt, planning preemptive attacks on us even at this early juncture. The city has also commissioned several nationally recognized muralists to add color to the wall once completed. They will hire local muralists for $10 an hour to help with the project. If you are interested in a job, please contact the city.
“But what about access to the region’s outdoor activities? Isn’t that why we won the contest in the first place?” We have been bombarded by variations of that question since the contest began. We are not (repeat, NOT) allowing citizens to venture outside the protective boundaries of the wall. Fortunately, most of the outdoor activities-rock climbing, paddling, running, swimming, golf-can take place within the interior of the city. Officials are also planning to add climbing holds on the interior side of the wall for bouldering. Special permits will be issued for moat access during daylight hours. We are also working closely with law enforcement and will begin seeking “perimeter volunteers” to act as a first-line defense in the moat. The activity is similar to paddling, but you will be armed with high-powered weapons in case of attack.
As we all know, one of the main blights on Chattanooga’s otherwise-pristine reputation is the presence and frequency of violent crime. But we see this as an advantage. The cause of crime is environmentally based, as Henry Anderson said in his 1931 report: “Human conduct, normal and abnormal, is largely a product of the interaction of the forces of personality and environment.” What we need to do, then, is use our rampant criminality to its advantage by refocusing efforts to a collective cause. Behavior that was previously thought criminal (e.g., killing) is now commendable under the new system. Not only will we see our internal double-digit crime rate drop to nothing, we’ll also be a much more powerful war machine as we attempt to seize other territories.
This column, in particular, is 100 percent satire and/or absurd, nonsensical ramblings from a completely strange individual. Realize this before you get too upset. The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, not Nooga.com or its employees.