Five really terrible candies that will ensure that trick-or-treaters leave a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep

Authored By Sean Phipps

5 Really Terrible Candies That Will Ensure Trick or Treaters Leave a Flaming Bag of Poop on Your Doorstep.
By Sean Phipps

There is no excuse whatsoever to hand out terrible candy on Halloween. I don’t even know how this happens with all of the quality candy bars, gummies and chocolate covered delicacies readily available at supermarkets. It leads me to believe that most of the crappy candy is a thoughtful middle-finger to trick-or-treaters from Halloween-haters across the country. If you’re planning to give out any of the following candy, you might as well get the hose ready.  It should also be noted that my first job was in my grandmother’s candy store. So, you know, I’m kind of an expert on this subject.

Peanut Butter Taffy
People who give out these black and red wrapped candies at Halloween are purposefully trying to make the holiday a terrible experience for kids. What store even has these things anymore? Cracker Barrel? Other than getting molested by your uncle while he wears a werewolf mask, I can’t think of worse disappointment on Halloween than finding a bunch of these candies in a treat haul. These are the candies that are decomposing in that plastic pumpkin you stored in the closet from last Halloween. Dogs don’t even like these and they’re supposedly made of peanut butter. Romney probably eats these.

When I was working in the candy store during high school I could almost always associate the type of candy with the buyer before they started shopping. Kids love gummi anything. Adults enjoy chocolate and jelly beans. The diabetics love sugar-free candy by the pound. And octogenarians with walkers enjoy Horehound. The horehound (no, it’s not promiscious dog droppings) is essentially a medicinal herb disguised a candy. It tastes slightly minty and earthy, but overall is just not the sweetness you’d expect in a Halloween treat. You might as well be handing out Ricola or Hall’s mentholated cough drops.  Leave these out of your giveaway bowl. This also goes for any other herbal candy.

Dum Dum Pops
Overall, I don’t have a problem with Dum Dum Pops. I can’t believe I just wrote that last sentence and was serious about it. My problem with this candy is two-fold: First, you aren’t a bank. Dum Dum’s are something I look forward to as a treat after I make a deposit or pay my overdraft charges. I associate them with the bank experience, not Halloween. Secondly, Dum Dum’s pale in comparison to other suckers like Blow Pops, Linda’s Lollies and my favorite, Caramel Apple Pops. Now those are quality suckers that I can get behind! The taste of a Dum Dum is good, but it tastes cheap compared to nearly all suckers except Tootsie Roll Pops, which are nostalgic in the worst possible way. Oh, and do you remember those Tequila Pops? I used to sell these to kids and tell them it would make them drunk.

Wax Candy Bottles
Wax candy bottles are just the worst idea ever for a Halloween candy. And also, have you ever eaten one? It is literally just the juices of a Freezer Pop ensconced in a tasteless wax shell shaped like a bottle. There you go. Somebody makes millions of dollars a year making wax candy bottles. What are you doing with your life? It is also worth noting that this is the only candy in our store that we never had to replace in a span of 3-years. Nobody wanted them then; nobody wants them now. I remember getting about 10 of these in my trick-or-treat bag when I was little. It didn’t take long for all of them to start oozing liquid onto the other, more delectable candy. If you’ve never had the pleasure of tasting a Kit-Kat soaked in wax bottle gunk, let me tell you: you are missing out, my friend. I found out years later that a lubricated latex condom tastes nearly identical to the wax on this candy.

Peppermint Starlight Mints
The ultimate B.S. candy in existence. In fact, though technically a candy, I would consider this more of an “after dinner mint.” Regardless, there shouldn’t be any variety of a peppermint hard candy given to children on Halloween. Kids want chocolate and novelty candy they can eat, but also have fun with. They don’t want your “healthy alternatives” or an agenda crammed down their throats in the shape of a melted candy cane discus. Be a good sport this Halloween and throw a few extra bucks at these awesome Halloween-themed Pez dispensers or Gummi body parts. Get a few fun bags  and fill them to the brim with an assortment of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers and Butterfingers. Make them forget about that time Uncle Steve played the “scary game” while you were away at the symphony.